Fraudulent Living

When we began this study several weeks ago I told you I would pour out my guts to you, would share intimately with you, would be an example to dig deep into the innermost recesses of our hearts and lay everything out.  And I've wondered over the past few weeks if I've really done that or asked myself what I can confess to you.  Here's my confession...I feel like a fraud today, like I haven't done enough, shared enough, spilled my guts enough and I need your forgiveness.  That's sin number one.  Sin number two...I'm a perfectionist, maybe that's laughable to some of you, ahem, but it's true and with this crazy CD recording I faced that perfectionism head-on this week.  And to be "perfectly" honest, it's not perfect and that's okay.  But I tortured myself pretty good and those around me (the hubby) with incessantly listening and ridiculing myself.  I even texted my producer and asked him to make one more change after I had given him the go to master everything.  He graciously obliged but geez...I'm a handful.  How ironic is all this?  God had to remind me that I have "nothing to prove" and remembering this truth gave me peace.  When I began this recording process I had a clear goal, to glorify God, encourage those that would listen to it (my target is offenders) and share the Gospel through music, and help support Sing for the King Ministries.  I believe this is still intact and will indeed remain the goal but somewhere along the way I got in my own head and started over thinking, put too much pressure on myself, and dwelt too much on how this or I would be perceived.  And wonderfully enough, through this study this week I am reminded that my dirt does not define me, my inadequacies and perfectionism is not who I am and I can let it go..I'll try to let it go.  I really do want God to be in control of my life...I really do want to be led by the Holy Spirit instead of my own selfish ambitions...I really do want God to have the spotlight instead of me...I really do want Him to use me for His Glory, my good, and His Kingdom.  I really need His help, I really need your help...to keep me accountable, to call me out...love me enough to do it.

So many of our problems come when imperfect people try to act as if they have it all together.  We all have been there.  And what's the result?  We hide behind images we create of happy, clean, impressive lives.  We are exhausted.  - Jennie Allen (Nothing to Prove)