Struggling today...I don't know if it's hormones or what but I feel down, restless, unproductive, and I hate it. Today is one of those days when I want my job back - I'm used to being busy, consumed with too many things to do and so many things going on around me. This stillness is getting to me but maybe...maybe it's a wake up call to get on my face and seek the Lord more. John chapter 8 talks about the truth and it also talks about the father of lies, the devil. I need to be on guard and not listen to the enemy's lies. I need to be able to discern truth from lie and in order to know I have to abide in the Word. I am thankful for God's Word today, everyday. Thank You for Your peace, Jesus!
September 8, 2016
Wide awake at 2 am...again. I don't really know what's wrong with me, why am I not sleeping? There have been a few times that I've went back to sleep without too much of a struggle or being awake too long. This time I thought I'd get up and write and seek the Lord. I don't know if I can pinpoint a reason - I trained my job replacement last week and on Tuesday, could that be it? It's been so strange and overwhelming to let go of my job, come back to it and then let it go again. I've had moments of "should I have stayed" and if I'm really honest, I've had moments of not wanting to fulfill any of my upcoming worship engagements (except prison, that's where my heart is). How did this even all come about? Sometimes I feel like I'm in a whirlwind, grasping for something to hold on to, waiting for God to give me some revelation so I'll get focused again. Maybe it's hormones or PMS? Heck, I don't know. Maybe the enemy is trying to sidetrack me from what I'm called to do. I have moments of discontentment and God reminds me how blessed I am. How foolish I am at times, I hate my humanness. I simply need more time with Him, He will give me the peace I need for every moment, every trial, every situation and circumstance, and even every menial thing in my life.
I went back to bed and am now up for the day...reading, praying, meditating. My own words mock me, I am always telling men and women who are incarcerated to use their time to get closer to Jesus; read, study, pray. And here I am whiling away my days wondering how to make them full and how to make them count. Another case of practice what you preach, walk your talk, etc. I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning, today is a new day to begin again and chase after my redeemer, to focus on Him and not my pitiful self. And hopefully it's a while before that stinkin' human rears its ugly head again.
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." Romans 7:15-18
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